QUESTION: This is an embarrassing thing to admit: I’m 45, have been married twice and enjoy sex, but I have never had an orgasm.
I never discussed this with my first husband, but am more open with my new spouse.
He really wants me to reach climax, but I simply don’t know how. Help!
ANSWER: It’s a terrible indictment of our performance-obsessed times that you should feel embarrassed.
After all, 70 percent of women never reach orgasm by penetrative sex alone and 30 percent say they have problems climaxing.
A smaller number (about 11 percent of all adult women) have never achieved an orgasm. So, you are not alone.
And if you are experiencing desire, excitement and fulfilment, then who’s to say that’s not true ecstasy?
It’s important you calm down your husband, as he feels he’s failing you. Worse still, his anxiety has been transmitted to you, making you feel inadequate.
The main question I have for you is whether you’ve tried reaching orgasm on your own?
If you can push your own buttons, it’s easier to show someone else how to turn you on. If you haven’t explored your own body, then it’s worth giving it a try.
I would recommend reading Vivienne Cass’s book The Elusive Orgasm, which talks through all your issues in detail and offers a variety of tried and tested options for maximising the chance of a climax.
Meanwhile, your husband can read She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring A Woman by Ian Kerner.